Monday morning blues

It's Monday morning and quiet for the moment with all the kids at school. Mother is out walking which is amazing since she was drunk most of yesterday and screaming, "you are a fucking bitch" at me over a dozen times.
Dad came by to pick up my kids for a visit. He had not seen them since we have been back and they were very happy to go out with him. He took them to the park, to McDonald's and then out to play mini-golf. I'm glad the kids were out while Mother was on the rampage.
I was supposed to go with Mother to the court today for her divorce hearing but since I'm the bitch from hell, she can go without me. It's at 2:00 so I unless I found someone to pick the kids up from school, I can't go anyway. I told Dad yesterday that I envied him. "You did the right thing" I told him "save yourself."
While they were gone I locked myself upstairs and played music as loud as my little player would go. I can hook my cheap little mp3 player up to it and hear all my favorite songs. "The impossible dream" was playing while Mother was banging on the door screaming "Open this door, you fucking little bitch. I want to talk to you."
I said "No way. I don't want to fight." She screamed and banged away for a good 5 minutes, "This is my house. Open this door you fucking bitch! If you don't I'm going to call the cops and have them throw your ass out."
I didn't respond and just sang along to my music, "to dream the impossible dream, to fight the unbeatable foe."
She's back from her walk now. I can hear her downstairs rifling through something. I'm going to stay up here and just avoid her, the doors are locked if she comes up. I feel like I'm the one with a hangover. It's hard to have a mother who is completely insane because insane or not, her words have a life of their own and feel like stones hitting me in the head, one after the other. Even after she is passed out and quiet, the stones keep coming. They never stop. They are here this morning still hurling themselves at me.
There she is now, knocking at the door. "Open the door" she says. "Why? What do you want?" I say. "I want my cell phone" she answers. I slide it under the door. "Why do you lock the door?" she asks. "Because I don't want to see you" I say and she leaves and I put on my music and "be careful with my heart, you could break it" plays. She always acts like either nothing happened or else I deserve to be treated like a piece of shit so why should she say anything. "Who knows" I think "maybe she doesn't remember" but it doesn't lessen the pain or stop the tears that fall because even my own mother couldn't love me.
So it's now 9:50 am and the song "somewhere over the rainbow" is playing and I have to turn it all the way up to hear "some day I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me, where troubles melt like lemon drops, a way above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me".
I guess Mother has come to her senses. She takes the phone and leaves me alone. She will never apologize, she never does, which leaves me to think that she meant every word she said.
I need a to have a smoke so I have to go downstairs. I contemplate blowing it out the window but if she smelled it she would be off on a freak trip again. I'll just go down and ignore her and not say anything if she talks to me. I'm hungry too but I can go a long time without eating so that's not a big deal.
I'm back. I ran into her but she didn't say anything to me so I smoked a cigarette in the garage and made it back upstairs without incident and locked the door behind me.
"Now the whole damn bus is cheering and I can't believe I see, a hundred yellow ribbons" is playing and then "who will save your soul" by Jewel.
Well, there is simply no way to describe how I feel. Only one word keeps repeating and that is "low".