I don't know why this came to me but all of a sudden I thought to myself that I will fast until some sort of solution to this situation is achieved. Perhaps it will lead me out of this depression. I guess you never know and stranger things have probably happened. Anyway, it's a good day to start since I'm already hungry and feeling faint. If nothing else perhaps it will get my mind off my troubles and onto my stomach, at least that way my mind will be drawn away from its despair.
I just went and weighed so I can monitor myself and according to our scale I weigh in at exactly 120 lbs. Just in case anyone ever reads this, I am 5 feet and 5 inches tall but then I don't expect anyone to see this so who the hell cares. Well, I have to clean up the house and then if I have any time left over before the kids come home from school this afternoon, I can write some more then but like I said, I'm just talking to myself because I know I'm the only one who will ever read this.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Please pray for us!
If it's possible to be utterly alone in this world I've achieved that status. At least that's what it feels like on this Tuesday morning and I am unable to envision even the tiniest shred of relief anytime soon.
I thought for a time that I could create a blog that would be so interesting that thousands upon thousands of people would rush to read it each day but alas hopeful thinking has never gotten me anywhere and now even that is gone.
Sometimes I wish that I could believe in God or anything for that matter but the evidence has shown that if there is anything resembling a divine spirit out there it has utterly and completely left me out of the loop. The only thing I have left to comfort me are my own tears and if I could somehow magically transform them into little green dollar bills then maybe I'd have a shot at achieving a moment's peace but I doubt even money could comfort me today.
I had the thought last night that since I'm so utterly unable to envision anything good for myself and my family that I might ask all you people in cyberspace to pray for me. Of course, I have my doubts about whether or not, I could even get anyone's attention long enough for that to happen. Either way, there it is.
If anyone ever reads this post, please pray for me and my 3 children.
I thought for a time that I could create a blog that would be so interesting that thousands upon thousands of people would rush to read it each day but alas hopeful thinking has never gotten me anywhere and now even that is gone.
Sometimes I wish that I could believe in God or anything for that matter but the evidence has shown that if there is anything resembling a divine spirit out there it has utterly and completely left me out of the loop. The only thing I have left to comfort me are my own tears and if I could somehow magically transform them into little green dollar bills then maybe I'd have a shot at achieving a moment's peace but I doubt even money could comfort me today.
I had the thought last night that since I'm so utterly unable to envision anything good for myself and my family that I might ask all you people in cyberspace to pray for me. Of course, I have my doubts about whether or not, I could even get anyone's attention long enough for that to happen. Either way, there it is.
If anyone ever reads this post, please pray for me and my 3 children.
Monday, May 10, 2010
One more storm, blowing over.
I guess the storm is over. I went downstairs to make a cup of coffee. The kitchen is a mess since I haven't cleaned it and mother is asking me to fix the remote control to the TV in her bedroom. I wanted to ask her if she was planning on being civil to me today but thought better of it. Why bother? Apparently, if she remembers what she did to me yesterday, she doesn't care. I wish I could pack up the kids and leave forever. If I had the money to do it, I would do it and I would never contact her ever again.
My friend says I need to start posting this blog all over hell and back if I expect anyone to help me but it seems too far fetched. Why would anyone want to help someone they don't even know? I don't have any faith in that and I'm just so depressed after yesterday, I just want to sleep. I should probably find the time to go to the clinic for my free medication though I'm hardly convinced that medication is the answer. My last therapist didn't think so either. She thought it was my situation and until I could change that I'd always be depressed. Doesn't look good for today! Well, I need to get the kids from school here shortly.
It got so bad yesterday that I actually looked up the number for a shelter and called it to ask what I might expect if I came there. All the lady said was "we are full, call back in a week or so." She didn't sound very nice so it just makes me think I'm better off where I am. After all the next few days will most likely be just fine until the next time she decides a bottle of wine will help her get through the day.
My friend says I need to start posting this blog all over hell and back if I expect anyone to help me but it seems too far fetched. Why would anyone want to help someone they don't even know? I don't have any faith in that and I'm just so depressed after yesterday, I just want to sleep. I should probably find the time to go to the clinic for my free medication though I'm hardly convinced that medication is the answer. My last therapist didn't think so either. She thought it was my situation and until I could change that I'd always be depressed. Doesn't look good for today! Well, I need to get the kids from school here shortly.
It got so bad yesterday that I actually looked up the number for a shelter and called it to ask what I might expect if I came there. All the lady said was "we are full, call back in a week or so." She didn't sound very nice so it just makes me think I'm better off where I am. After all the next few days will most likely be just fine until the next time she decides a bottle of wine will help her get through the day.
Monday morning blues
It's Monday morning and quiet for the moment with all the kids at school. Mother is out walking which is amazing since she was drunk most of yesterday and screaming, "you are a fucking bitch" at me over a dozen times.
Dad came by to pick up my kids for a visit. He had not seen them since we have been back and they were very happy to go out with him. He took them to the park, to McDonald's and then out to play mini-golf. I'm glad the kids were out while Mother was on the rampage.
I was supposed to go with Mother to the court today for her divorce hearing but since I'm the bitch from hell, she can go without me. It's at 2:00 so I unless I found someone to pick the kids up from school, I can't go anyway. I told Dad yesterday that I envied him. "You did the right thing" I told him "save yourself."
While they were gone I locked myself upstairs and played music as loud as my little player would go. I can hook my cheap little mp3 player up to it and hear all my favorite songs. "The impossible dream" was playing while Mother was banging on the door screaming "Open this door, you fucking little bitch. I want to talk to you."
I said "No way. I don't want to fight." She screamed and banged away for a good 5 minutes, "This is my house. Open this door you fucking bitch! If you don't I'm going to call the cops and have them throw your ass out."
I didn't respond and just sang along to my music, "to dream the impossible dream, to fight the unbeatable foe."
She's back from her walk now. I can hear her downstairs rifling through something. I'm going to stay up here and just avoid her, the doors are locked if she comes up. I feel like I'm the one with a hangover. It's hard to have a mother who is completely insane because insane or not, her words have a life of their own and feel like stones hitting me in the head, one after the other. Even after she is passed out and quiet, the stones keep coming. They never stop. They are here this morning still hurling themselves at me.
There she is now, knocking at the door. "Open the door" she says. "Why? What do you want?" I say. "I want my cell phone" she answers. I slide it under the door. "Why do you lock the door?" she asks. "Because I don't want to see you" I say and she leaves and I put on my music and "be careful with my heart, you could break it" plays. She always acts like either nothing happened or else I deserve to be treated like a piece of shit so why should she say anything. "Who knows" I think "maybe she doesn't remember" but it doesn't lessen the pain or stop the tears that fall because even my own mother couldn't love me.
So it's now 9:50 am and the song "somewhere over the rainbow" is playing and I have to turn it all the way up to hear "some day I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me, where troubles melt like lemon drops, a way above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me".
I guess Mother has come to her senses. She takes the phone and leaves me alone. She will never apologize, she never does, which leaves me to think that she meant every word she said.
I need a to have a smoke so I have to go downstairs. I contemplate blowing it out the window but if she smelled it she would be off on a freak trip again. I'll just go down and ignore her and not say anything if she talks to me. I'm hungry too but I can go a long time without eating so that's not a big deal.
I'm back. I ran into her but she didn't say anything to me so I smoked a cigarette in the garage and made it back upstairs without incident and locked the door behind me.
"Now the whole damn bus is cheering and I can't believe I see, a hundred yellow ribbons" is playing and then "who will save your soul" by Jewel.
Well, there is simply no way to describe how I feel. Only one word keeps repeating and that is "low".
Dad came by to pick up my kids for a visit. He had not seen them since we have been back and they were very happy to go out with him. He took them to the park, to McDonald's and then out to play mini-golf. I'm glad the kids were out while Mother was on the rampage.
I was supposed to go with Mother to the court today for her divorce hearing but since I'm the bitch from hell, she can go without me. It's at 2:00 so I unless I found someone to pick the kids up from school, I can't go anyway. I told Dad yesterday that I envied him. "You did the right thing" I told him "save yourself."
While they were gone I locked myself upstairs and played music as loud as my little player would go. I can hook my cheap little mp3 player up to it and hear all my favorite songs. "The impossible dream" was playing while Mother was banging on the door screaming "Open this door, you fucking little bitch. I want to talk to you."
I said "No way. I don't want to fight." She screamed and banged away for a good 5 minutes, "This is my house. Open this door you fucking bitch! If you don't I'm going to call the cops and have them throw your ass out."
I didn't respond and just sang along to my music, "to dream the impossible dream, to fight the unbeatable foe."
She's back from her walk now. I can hear her downstairs rifling through something. I'm going to stay up here and just avoid her, the doors are locked if she comes up. I feel like I'm the one with a hangover. It's hard to have a mother who is completely insane because insane or not, her words have a life of their own and feel like stones hitting me in the head, one after the other. Even after she is passed out and quiet, the stones keep coming. They never stop. They are here this morning still hurling themselves at me.
There she is now, knocking at the door. "Open the door" she says. "Why? What do you want?" I say. "I want my cell phone" she answers. I slide it under the door. "Why do you lock the door?" she asks. "Because I don't want to see you" I say and she leaves and I put on my music and "be careful with my heart, you could break it" plays. She always acts like either nothing happened or else I deserve to be treated like a piece of shit so why should she say anything. "Who knows" I think "maybe she doesn't remember" but it doesn't lessen the pain or stop the tears that fall because even my own mother couldn't love me.
So it's now 9:50 am and the song "somewhere over the rainbow" is playing and I have to turn it all the way up to hear "some day I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me, where troubles melt like lemon drops, a way above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me".
I guess Mother has come to her senses. She takes the phone and leaves me alone. She will never apologize, she never does, which leaves me to think that she meant every word she said.
I need a to have a smoke so I have to go downstairs. I contemplate blowing it out the window but if she smelled it she would be off on a freak trip again. I'll just go down and ignore her and not say anything if she talks to me. I'm hungry too but I can go a long time without eating so that's not a big deal.
I'm back. I ran into her but she didn't say anything to me so I smoked a cigarette in the garage and made it back upstairs without incident and locked the door behind me.
"Now the whole damn bus is cheering and I can't believe I see, a hundred yellow ribbons" is playing and then "who will save your soul" by Jewel.
Well, there is simply no way to describe how I feel. Only one word keeps repeating and that is "low".
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Ask and you shall receive? Is it true?
Ask and you shall receive! Is it true? This is why I've created this blog. I need to know the answer to the question and I'm willing to do all I can to find out.
It started the other night when I was listening to some speaker and this guy said the reason people don't usually get what they want is because they never directly ask for what they want and instead try to play games and manipulate to get whatever it is they want.
I had to look up the word manipulate to make sure I didn't do that since I didn't want to screw up my chances of getting what I want and I was worried until I became completely honest with myself and decided that a severe lack of "clever" was probably at the root of most of my problems.
Here is the definition that I got from my dictionary: Manipulate : manage in a clever way so as to bring about a desired effect.
It seemed a little tricky to me because I was worried that this wouldn't work unless I was really clever and that even if I managed clever that would screw me for being manipulative. So I thought about it and decided that perhaps I could try this without telling you a lot about my situation and just seeing if the verse was true and then if you wanted to find out more about my situation and myself I would provide it and you could choose and then as long as that part was optional it would not be manipulative.
That being said I'm now ready to ask for what I want. Yes, it's money, I need it to move my children and I out of where we are living. I'm asking for just whatever you feel you can give.
To give go to paypal and email expectingamiraclenow@gmail.com
It started the other night when I was listening to some speaker and this guy said the reason people don't usually get what they want is because they never directly ask for what they want and instead try to play games and manipulate to get whatever it is they want.
I had to look up the word manipulate to make sure I didn't do that since I didn't want to screw up my chances of getting what I want and I was worried until I became completely honest with myself and decided that a severe lack of "clever" was probably at the root of most of my problems.
Here is the definition that I got from my dictionary: Manipulate : manage in a clever way so as to bring about a desired effect.
It seemed a little tricky to me because I was worried that this wouldn't work unless I was really clever and that even if I managed clever that would screw me for being manipulative. So I thought about it and decided that perhaps I could try this without telling you a lot about my situation and just seeing if the verse was true and then if you wanted to find out more about my situation and myself I would provide it and you could choose and then as long as that part was optional it would not be manipulative.
That being said I'm now ready to ask for what I want. Yes, it's money, I need it to move my children and I out of where we are living. I'm asking for just whatever you feel you can give.
To give go to paypal and email expectingamiraclenow@gmail.com
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